Please Don’t Offer Me This Job

Thank you for contacting me about this tremendous opportunity. However, I am very happy with my current position as Head of Quality Assurance.

I inspect every blade of grass on my lawn, and make certain the water droplets on each reflect the sunlight. I direct my worker bees to the proper flowers. I assure there are just enough clouds in the sky for sunrises and sunsets. I verify that the stars show up for work and are in their proper places.

Don’t think you can woo me with promises of a larger office, and better pay and benefits. The whole outside world is my office, and the deck furniture is more appealing than a leather chair and walnut desk. I am paid in rainbows and lightning storms and fireflies. My vacation time is unlimited. My health benefits include long walks and fresh air.

I hope you can find someone to fill the position who is stupid enough to work 60-hour weeks in an office with stale coffee and a broken thermostat, and to spend more time with his cardiologist than his wife. 

I am not coming out of retirement to work with you fools again. Period.

published in Doctor Funny